Man Talk
by shokai
Summary: Somewhere...atop an unremarkable rooftop...in a humdrum part of seireitei...on an ordinary day...Man Talk has begun. Rated for innuendos and some language.


A/N: Nope, still don't own any of these characters. Wish I did, though. Again, I'm not Japanese, so I'm sorry if I misuse the words.

**_

* * *

Somewhere, atop an unremarkable rooftop, in a humdrum part of seireitei, on an ordinary day…(cough)…_Man Talk _has begun._**

"WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU SAY? SAY THAT TO MY FACE, BAKA!"

"ALL RIGHT, I WILL! YOURS IS SMALL COMPARED TO MINE, TEME!"

"I TOLD YOU! THAT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT AROUSED YET. MINE GETS REAL BIG WHEN I GET EXCITED. YOU'RE BIG 'CAUSE YOU'RE ALWAYS EXCITED. NOW THAT'S JUST NOT NORMAL, FREAK!"

"HEY, I'M NOT ALWAYS EXCITED! THIS IS JUST MY NORMAL SIZE! OF COURSE, I **CAN** GET EVEN BIGGER WITH THE RIGHT KIND OF STIMULATION."

"OH, YEAH? THEN YOU WON'T MIND IF WE BUST OUT WITH A TAPE MEASURE!"

"BRING IT, FOOL! I'VE GOT NOTHING TO HIDE!"

"A-anou…Renji-san? Ichigo-san? I'm sorry to interrupt your… discussion, but everyone's looking for you."

"Oi, Hanatarou, good timing. We need your help here. Do you have a tape measure?"

"A tape measure? Um, well, I uh…no, I don't think so."

"Damn. Well, I guess we'll just have to use our eyes."

"Tch, that's fine with me, teme. The difference will be sooo obvious."

"Damn right it will! And Hanatarou will be the third party witness."

"A-anou…I don't think I really want to be a part of this – "

"SHUT UP!"

"Aaaaaaa!"

"Hey, what's going on here?"

"Yo, Ikkaku! Come join us. Renji and I are comparing to see who's bigger."

"HA! I'm in. Mine's way bigger than both of yours put together."

_(snort)_ "Please. Yours is the width of a toothpick, you Q-ball."

"NANI?!! I OUGHTA SLICE YOURS IN HALF RIGHT NOW!"

"I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY, YOU #&#$!!!"

"Um…anou, everyone…? Uh, excuse me? Hello? I have a - a suggestion of sorts."

"Huh? What? Make it quick. We're having a very important debate here."

"Oh, um, well, did you ever think that maybe…um…maybe size…doesn't matter…?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

_(…crickets chirp…)_

"Hanatarou?"

"Yes, Ichigo-san?"

"Looks like we need to explain to you the way of the man. Ikkaku, tell him."

"SIZE IS EVERYTHING, YOU LITTLE PIPSQUEAK!"

"Aaaaaaa!"

"If you think you can gain respect with a teeny weeny thingy, you'd better think again, sport! It's a tough world out there. Survival of the fittest. To a man, the size of his little buddy is the embodiment of his fortitude! **The foundation of his conviction**!! **THE ESSENCE OF HIS VIRILITY!!!"**

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Uh, anyway, Hanatarou, what we're trying to say is that - "

"_Pssssst._"

"Ouch, what are you pulling me for, Renji?!"

"_Shhhh! Shut up and come over here a sec!"_

_(shuffle shuffle)_

"What?"

"Oi…I just had a terrible thought. What if he's… **_not_** a man?"

"…"

"You two are idiots, you know that?"

"RUKIA!"

"Hey, you found us. Come on up here. How did you know where we were?"

"I followed the scent of stupidity. Oh yes, I heard what you guys were talking about from down here. You men are – are – so sick!"

"Huh?????"

"So this is the kind of stuff men talk about when they're alone. It's gross, distasteful, not to mention childish. You talk about your – your _things_ shamelessly out in the open. _And compare them, too!_ Well, I am officially stupefied and revolted. I was supposed to bring you guys over to the meeting hall, but now, I don't know how I'll ever be able to look you guys in the eyes again. I'm leaving."

_(swoosh)_

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Huh?"

"What the hell was that all about?"

"You got me."

"A-anou, that wasn't like Rukia-san at all. I-I wonder if something's happened?"

"Maybe it's that time of the month."

"Sheesh. I just can't understand women sometimes."

"Here, here."

"So what if we want to compare our sizes. Why should we be ashamed to talk about it?"

"Yeah, you said it. And after all, it's not like she doesn't have one. It's almost as big as mine when I'm in my relaxed mode."

_(snicker)_ "Sad."

"Shut up, teme."

"Tch. Well, whatever. My head's starting to hurt thinking about this. Let's all grab onto our little buddies and head back. It seems everyone's looking for us, and if we don't hurry, they might send more women after us."

_(all shudder)_

* * *

(And so Ichigo, Renji, and Ikkaku grabbed their little buddies Zangetsu, Zabimaru, and Hotsukimaru respectively, and Hanatarou grabbed his/her…well, whatever. And together, they all headed back to civilization.) 

Fin

A/N: By the way, for those who don't know, Zangetsu, Zabimaru, and Hotsukimaru are the guys' zanpaktous. Also, if you're wondering who is saying what amidst all the man talk… that's up to you to decide. Thanks for reading!


End file.
